My Beautiful Days

Well, I've been gone for awhile, but it's entirely my own fault.  You see, I've been unable to get to a computer with internet access.  We brought our laptop with us to Arizona (did I mention that my family is currently on vacation, visiting my inlaws in Arizona?!), but unfortunately we are still having problems with the internet connections on it.  For some reason our wireless card will detect the networks available, but won't give us the option to connect to them.  So, that is a problem I will deal with when we get back home.  For now, I will just enjoy my vacation, enjoy this beautiful 87 degree weather, enjoy the peace and quiet of spending the afternoon with my daughter and my mother in law. Did I mention that I'm using my inlaws' computer to type this?  Because I am. I've been thinking about this blog post for awhile now, wondering just how I'm going to encompass everything that I have to share - and I decided to be brief about it.  However, ...

If there is one thing that I have learned this week, it is the fact that almost everything is easier to do if you're not obligated to do it.  The most obvious of these tasks, to me, is housework.  You see, Tuesdays are my reserved day for housework - this is when I clean the house and do laundry.  The funny thing about that is the fact that it is so hard  for me to motivate myself to do the work even though I've set aside that specific day to get it done! Another obligation I have a problem with is waking up early.  You see, during the week, when I'm helping the kids get ready for school, getting Colin ready for preschool or MOPs, or attending an early morning event (such as I did this morning when Colin and I went to Claire's DARE graduation at her school) I have such a hard time waking up and getting myself out of bed.  It's almost like my body is on strike against getting out of bed!  However, flip that shoe to the other foot and bring on a weeken...

A decision has been made.  One that has an impact on me, directly.  One that I'm actually quite happy about.  You see, for awhile now I have been going through this process of fertility.  I've been visiting my OB quite regularly, having ultrasounds, taking random medications - all in the effort to conceive a baby.  The effects of all of this have been frustrating.  The medications make me emotional, one even made me angry at the world (no joke, I wanted nothing to do with anybody when I was on this ... which, once we figured out that it was the meds making me feel that way, I immediately discontinued taking them).  I hate having to follow a schedule of take this, go to the doctor three days later, then go back in a week later to see if maybe, just maybe I will get to have a baby (hehe, that rhymed!). Well, after much discussion with my loving husband, we decided that this is going to be the last round.  Due to the fact that I already have Clomid...

I think that's the decision that I've come to: my ovaries are on strike. Today, Colin and I headed out to yet another appointment with my OB. I was so proud of Colin, he was so very good at the appointment and everybody at the office found him to be simply adorable! That was the good part of the visit. The not-so-good part of the visit came when the doctor discovered that, over the last month, I have developed a cyst on my ovary. Wait - what did you say? A cyst? No, I've never dealt with cysts before, you must be incorrect. Alas, I saw the ultrasound and I saw what you called a cyst (though I must admit that ultrasounds never look like much of anything to me at this point except a bunch of black squiggly lines!). The thing that boggles my mind is the fact that the cyst formed in the last month. It wasn't on the ultrasounds that I had in December. Trust me, we looked back at those, too. So, while I was on birth control which is supposed to help prevent things like th...

I've hesitated in writing this post, entirely because I haven't yet processed my emotions of all that's going on.  However, since a week has passed since my most recent OB visit, I figure it's about time that I update!  So, last week Wednesday, December 2nd, Colin and I headed out to yet another doctor's visit.  Colin really enjoys coming along because they have a play area for him in the waiting room and because he knows that, if he's good when we're in the exam room, he will get a treat on the way home!  It's been fun seeing him listen so well during these visits! ANYWAY - back to the original topic.  So at this appointment I had another internal ultrasound and I was expecting to go home, give myself a shot of Ovidrel in the stomach and ovulate 36 hours later.  This is what the doctor explained to me at my last visit, so this was completely my expectation.  What I was not  expecting, however, was that, after my ultrasound, the doctor would com...

I have all of the answers you've been waiting for!  Okay, well maybe not all of the answers, but I at least have answers to the subjects of why we've cleaned out our garage and how my appointments are going.  I'll start with the latter.  Last Wednesday, I had a follow up appointment with my OB.  Okay, it wasn't actually my OB, it was another doctor within the same clinic.  In fact, this is the third doctor I've seen thus far, but I guess as long as we're still moving forward with our progress, I can't complain about it!  So, I had finished taking my prescription and had indeed received a visit from Aunt Flo.  The funny thing about it is that it had been so long since I received a visit from her that I rejoiced when she came.  I savored the cramps.  How weird am I?! :)  I guess the only thing I can say to describe it is the fact that, when you haven't had a period in nine or ten months, it's a great feeling of normalcy when you finally ha...

Today I am going to my OBGYN office for yet another appointment.  Today's appointment is going to consist of an ultrasound and a Doctor's Visit.  I am bringing Colin with me, hoping and praying that he will be satisfied playing with the few toys we bring and reading the few books we bring.  Today's appointment determines the next direction that we go.  Today's appointment moves me forward in the fertility process.  Somehow, though, today's appointment does not have me anxious, worried or nervous.  I feel as if I am moving forward confidently, knowing that this is just another step I'm taking toward the day I conceive and carry my baby, another step toward the day I get to be pregnant, another step toward the day that I meet our next child. Today is a beautiful day and I have a lot to give thanks for!

As many of you know, I had my Hysterosalpingogram yesterday.  I think that I was a bit nervous, though I didn't feel that way - it just occurred to me in different areas, like the fact that I hardly slept the night before!  So, I dropped Colin off at our neighbor's house and drove the 45 minutes to the hospital.  I arrived at the check-in desk at 10:00 AM and was surprised to be greeted by my old friends Kim (a male Kim, mind you) and Mary Kay!  ** Remember them, Becca? **  It was such a wonderful surprise, as I had no idea that this was where they both worked.  I went with Mary Kay back to a cubical where she went over the registration paperwork with me and we very briefly caught up on each others lives (I haven't seen them in almost two years).  What a blessing to see her again, as Mary Kay is a woman who has always been very dear to my heart! :) After my registration was complete, I was given a pager and asked to sit in the waiting room.  I ...

I know I said I wasn't going to blog again, but this one is at least worth mentioning! I talked to a nurse in my OBGYN office today and she worked through the confusion of my appointments with me and explained to me the necessity of the two separate appointments. That being said, I now have step one of my fertility exam scheduled with Dr. H this coming Tuesday, November 10. She explained that I will have some results of this on that day, and the full results a few days later. Praise the Lord! Things are moving forward :)

I have little to say about my appointment, and you will find that to your benefit because I am crabby about it. Why? Well thank you for asking! I'm crabby because I waited two weeks for my fertility exam, and really just went in and had the exact same stinkin appointment that I had two weeks ago. The only difference? Two weeks ago was with my regular OB, Dr. T. Dr. T talked a lot to me two weeks ago about my options and then drew some blood to do tests. Today I talked with Dr. H. Dr. H talked a lot with me about my options and then told me his nurse would call me to set up the fertility exam. WHAT?! Is that not the appointment that I scheduled TWO WEEKS AGO?! So basically, I just wasted an entire afternoon. I hired a babysitter, scheduled appointments around it (in other words, I could have been feeding my self-induced therapy of looking at houses this afternoon) and took a lot of my time driving there and back (and having what felt like the same appointment that I had ...

I will be the first to admit that I have been absent from blogging. I have taken a short leave-of-absence thinking that it may help me to clear my head a little bit, but it has done exactly the opposite. I have come to discover that blogging is a bit therapeutic for me, it's something I come to enjoy and it's my way of sorting through the thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head. Fear not, dear readers, my absence is done! Hopefully, I will be back to a more regular schedule of blogging. I will be absent no more! I've come to the point where I can freely admit this: I have told a lie. I'm uncertain if I told this lie to you, but I know for certain that I have told this lie to me. As you may know, I have my fertility exam tomorrow. I've been convinced that, no matter what the results, I won't be bothered by them. I think that today I have discovered that I am the only person who was convinced of that. Unfortunately, the thing that brought about th...

I had my appointment.  My OBGYN did a quick exam and drew some blood.  Then he had me schedule an appointment for a fertility exam.  He explained that I will receive an ultrasound, an X-ray and a pretty invasive exam on that date.  He explained that the fact that I haven't had a period in the last seven months is something that needs to be addressed whether I'm going to have babies or not.  Evidently it's not a good thing to not be able to hang out with Aunt Flo every month!  So as of right now, I really have no answers.  I don't know if my body is going to be able to conceive and carry a baby.  I don't know that it's not.  I do know, however, that I will not go far into fertility options.  I go up and down with the way that I feel about the situation, with wondering whether I really want to have a baby of my own or if I'm happy being a (step)mom to the four wonderful kids that I have now.  I wonder if maybe God has another path for...

While over seven months have passed since I wrote this post , somehow I feel like I'm back at square one.  I feel like I'm back to that night when the cramping began, back to the moment I began to bleed, back at the moment when I realized that my greatest fear since I found out I was pregnant was slowly coming true: I was miscarrying my baby.  I don't know if it's because of the fact that my heart has longed to be pregnant again, I don't know if it's because it's October 15th that is chosen to remember all babies who were stillborn or miscarried, I don't know if it's because I've been a step-mother for ten months and I'm now realizing that not one of them will ever call me mom.  I want to be mom.  I want to pee on a stick and have it tell me that I'm pregnant.  I want to know the joy of holding my own newborn baby in my arms.  I want to know what it feels like to watch my tummy grow as my baby grows. Today, my heart hurts.  Today, the t...